First off, this post is not meant to be whiney: it’s just how things are and how I feel.
Period.
I’ve spent the weekend doing something fairly alien to me – taking some time off. It’s a holiday weekend and although I sometimes work on holidays, I decided to take off not only today (Monday) but Friday as well. No work.
Okay, so I checked my work email.
But although I saw tasks mounting, I closed the email account and relaxed.
Yes, I did some prep for the class I’m taking, but that involved reading a chapter in the textbook and searching out a few videos to show.
I did some revising/editing, but at my usual pace. I could have dove in and wrote the entire weekend, but I didn’t.
Beta-reading. I have a manuscript that I need to finish before the end of the month and I sat and enjoyed that with a critical eye.
Housework. Not as much as I should have done, but some organization, vacuuming, cooking, grocery shopping.
However, besides all of the above – which could be considered work tasks – I took naps each day. I watched some tv shows that I had missed out on. I spent time with Hoppi.
And today I went out and saw Black Panther.
That was kind of an impulsive decision, or as impulsive as such things are for me.
You see, I have problems doing things on my own.
It’s not really a fear, just a discomfort.
I know what fear feels like: I suffer from acrophobia and gephyrophobia and those two leave me close to paralyzed, my body having to actively fight them.
This is different, something that makes me extremely uncomfortable, and yet when I overcome that discomfort, I feel a sense of accomplishment.
And yet, I don’t do it.
Striking out on my own to do something, just for fun – it takes too much mental preparation for me to do it, so I don’t.
I have friends.
We talk and laugh together.
But for the most part, my friends do things with other people: family, other friends.
Most of those things – going to the movies, out to eat – are more fun with other people. And so, I concentrate on that, and since I’m alone, I don’t go.
If I want to eat something different, I get take-out (more often than not, by drive-thru).
If everyone else is tied up and unavailable for a movie, I wait until I’m able to watch it at home.
That’s my way of life, what I’ve been accustomed to doing.
I work.
I come home.
Rarely do I socialize.
Last evening I made a decision: I wanted to see this movie.
I had asked some friends, but no one was available this weekend, so I resigned myself to waiting.
Until last night, when I decided that this was important enough to do something different.
So I looked up times for today’s movies.
Of course, I couldn’t push myself to do anything about it – not last evening.
Instead, this morning I slept in, had breakfast, then went online and purchased a ticket.
After showering and getting dressed, I went off to see a 10 a.m. showing.
I was surrounded by people, only a few empty seats.
But I was alone.
I enjoyed the movie and I’m glad I went.
But it would have been more enjoyable with friends.
However, I did it.
And I can do it again.
In the past ten years, I’ve probably gone to the movies on my own twice. I’ve eaten out on my own a few more times than that (mostly thanks to taking a laptop to Panera to write).
But I can do it.
And hopefully, I will.
V Hartman DiSanto 